Euphoria & Suicidal

To my Funny Valentine

~A letter to you~ 

“I could have chosen the better, easier way, however would be unsure of the immeasurable feeling that is keeping my heart to pound twice faster than the normal…  like now.” 

To the man I chose to love, live and burn,

I will never understand how you understood my imperfections.  I tie my hair ruggedly and then you smile. I wear a crumpled pair of pants but you never worry. When the bulging belly is visible, you simply say: “how much is the last price” that sends me to the sky in laughter. Remember how you imitate my cry with complains that so hilarious? Simple pleasures, that is… Why would I not hold my breath with your imperfections too?

We live as if there is no life’s ending. We keep our own keys to a love that only you and I understand. I have experienced the euphoria with you and that is so passionate even in the presence of the critical eyes that question the rarity of our delusions as we deny the fact that both of us are suicidal in our own ways of expression against the worldly odds. I have never encountered this kind but if we will start from the very beginning again, I would still welcome you as I did at first.

In my whole life’s existence, I have never been this enthusiastic from the time I wake up to the moment I surrender with the day. I would not know any other place of comfort but in your arms. I would not know any other face but yours and I would not know what I would become if you’ll be gone… this is the only suffering that makes me cheerful, the suicidal that is so euphoric. I wish to be with you until the time of that I’d be forgetful with the cane full of undying memories.

I will love you for the rest of the being. You will be the last love I’d prefer. I promise to cook better, to talk fast without nagging, to live and burn with our differences with traditions, beliefs, culture and so many more that were never created any barriers between us.

You will always be my one-of-a-kind funny clown when I’m sad, my fortress when I’m in trouble, my protector, my source of strength, my best friend, my only Valentine.

                                                                                                                                                            Forever yours,

                                                                                                                                                            You-Know-Who

14 Feb 2011

And so it is...

I Found myself washing my hair all over again as I forgot if I already did
Sleeping is so expensive to engage, oh! Snore I so missed you
Unacquainted with hunger, not a bit
One single song keeps playing in my ears for decades
Ended up with a pulled hair out of distress
And so, I see no cause to celebrate.

Got gained but ever determined to lose more than I did
Enthusiasm for life is decreasing
Suicidal, astray thoughts overbearing
Not to mention the domineering self-defense out of fear of nothingness
And then my deceiving so-called love affair have gone nowhere
And then I lost track of time -- I am getting old
And so, I see no cause to celebrate.

It is exactly 1301days today from leaving home
Still can see the shadows of their waving, loving hands
Still occupied with the “over and done”
Wish I could be like before… Innocent and truthful
Now everything seems to have malice and skepticism
And I have doubt in everyone, everything
And my growth went inactive, quiet and stationary
And my desire for potato diminished along with misery
And my reasoning faculties are reacting later than the happening
And then I get tired of my then habitual leisure
And the used-to-be simple pleasures have gone off the track
And then I didn’t notice… I am long forgotten
And so, I see no cause to celebrate.

A singer in guitar makes me feel relinquished from monotony every time
So I thank him for the distraction or say… diversion from dullness
Hence still thankful for this simple-perfect-delightful-temporary seventh-heaven
I was thinking if there is still in store for me to look forward to
And I was thinking if I could still be feeling the same contentment when I was ignorant
And here comes the self-realization that knowing lots of bits and pieces will lead you to zero tendencies
And here I am now, so equipped, so in prime but unsettled and locked to my old soul
And then I felt sorrow… and I felt pain… and desperate…
And so, I see no cause to celebrate.

One day, somewhere, somehow, I will just be reading this as part of my own history
And these pessimistic propensities will cease to exist
And then the winks and blinks and snapshots of the grays and blues will just be fragment of the beyond
And then sensing the life and its wonders will not be so tricky and strenuous and complicated any longer
And so, I will find countless reasons to celebrate. 

Happy Birthday to me.

27 Aug 2011